Intercoms are Fun
by Erikstrulove
Summary: Shepard has a bit of a laugh at McKay's expense. R&R! [Complete!...again]
1. Default Chapter

A/N: So, this is my first ever Stargate Atlantis Fic so, Read on!

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis!

* * *

In one of the moderately sized rooms dotting the corridors within the city, slept McKay. He was again dreaming of Major Carter, although this time he was giving a lecture disproving -quite effectively- all the research she has done on wormhole physics, even the stuff he believed was true in reality. 'Take that _Carter_' He mumbled. 'Stupid blonde theory.' He laughed to himself in short sleep-filled chuckles and rolled over, his hand absent-mindedly swiping the toggle switch of the intercom.

-

Control Room:

Weir's eyebrows lifted, "Do you hear something?" She asked the lieutenant hunched over the control panel.

Shepard walked in and took a seat, spinning in the chair as he did so. "What's up?"

"I think I hear something...there! Did you hear that?"

"No, just some static."

"Well I know, that's what I'm talking about, where's it coming from?"

Shepard leaned forward to the console, "Wait... I think it's the intercom. Where's the volume switch for those things?"

The lieutenant had already found it and turned the triangular knob.

There was a brief moment of crackling static, and then, in a mumbling sleepy voice:_ Ha, stupid theory...take that!.......... I can speak KLINGON so there! Carters wrong.....Im a better linguist too damnit!_

Shepard cast Weir a quizzical look. "Is that, is that McKay? Didn't know he was a linguist."

"Only in his dreams." She answered dryly.

-

In his room McKay suddenly woke up with a start. He looked frantically around, then got on his hands and knees and looked underneath his bed. "Pooky? Pooky!"

-

Control Room:

"Did he just say, 'Pooky?'" Asked Weir with a small smile playing on her face.

"I _think _he did." An obvious grin on Shepard's face. "Hey, lieutenant, open the line to his room."

"What are you doing John?"

Shepard's grin widened. "Wait wait this will be funny." The lieutenant pointed him to the button that would enable McKay to hear him. And in a childish voice he leaned close to the glistening built-in microphone and whispered, "This is _Pooky_, where are you?"

-

McKay's eyes widened, "Uh, h-hello?"

He jumped back at the next sound, which came in high-pitched and sounded like a squeak toy had spoken.

"Pooky's lost!"

McKay backed against the wall with the feeling of impending panic. 'Okay okay stuffed bears do not talk.' He though frantically. And then out loud, "Stuffed bears do _not_ talk. Explanation there's an explanation."

-

Control Room:

In the control room Shepard was laughing out loud clutching his stomach. Weir was covering her mouth smothering back a fit of giggles, and the lieutenant's face was red with laughter.

"He's lost his, his Teddy bear!" Exploded John. He leaned back letting out another hoot and fell out of his chair, he barely felt the floor as he rolled on the floor hysterically laughing. After a few moments he regained himself enough to get off the floor and push the button of the intercom.

-

"_Wh-where Pooky's friend? ....Pooky's HUNGRY!"_

McKay fainted.

An audible, thump, was heard in the control room as McKay hit the floor.

-

Control Room:

"Hey, what's going on in here? We can here your laughter from down the hall." Inquired Teyla as she came into the room.

"Johns freaking out Dr. McKay." Answered Weir. "And you had better stop because I swear I just heard him faint."

"Oh come on!" Shepard spouted between gasps for air. He reached for the button and pushed it. "McKay?" He said evenly.

-

"McKay, you there doctor?"

McKay, however, was currently oblivious to any sound coming from the intercom.

"McKay?" Came Shepard's voice once more.

END

A/N: So, you like it? I can't hear you from the computer screen so you'll just have to leave a review on your way out...okay?


	2. EAVESDROPPERS! Aha!

AN) Okay, I wasn't gonna do this. I started the sequel last night, but it didn't feel right, **momo** gave me an idea about revenge, so, I wrote another chapter. I'll try to get the third one up soon. Hope you like!

secbeth: AH! I just got an idea about how I can put Beckett in my story! You'll probably see him in the next chapter…if all goes well, that is.

* * *

Control Room:

Weir hastily gestured Shepard aside. "McKay. McKay are you there? Talk to me." She released the button and turned to Shepard. "We'd better have someone check on him"

"Oh he'll be _fine_!" He assured Weir, although, she didn't look assured. "Don't worry about it, I'll check on him myself."

"You'd better, I have to go and speak with-"

"Go!" He waved her off with a friendly smile.

"Fine, just, don't do anything..._you._" She turned to the lieutenant. "Keep an eye on him." Teyla followed her out.

Watching her go out the door Shepard burst into another fit of laughter and shook his head mumbling, "_Teddy bear_."

"So, sir, I hear you brought a taped game for your one personal item." The lieutenant said in a tone that clearly begged for a showing.

Shepard stood up excitedly. "Oh yeah, come on I'll show you. We'll grab some of the guy's."

-

McKay's eyes flickered open briefly, then they were promptly squeezed shut. "_Ow_, _pain_." He moaned. "_That_, was _the_ weirdest dream ever." He sat up off the floor, holding his forehead which was harboring a deep-red swollen mark. He felt his head and gave the offending hardcover book an evil stare. McKay had learned hardcover books don't make good pillows the hard way.

After shoving his book hastily under the bed he suddenly remembered what had caused him to, _'fai- no, pass-out_.' He thought bitterly.

He cleared his throat. "P-Pooky?" He smiled nervously to himself. _'Yep, only a dream Rodney, I was just dreaming is all.... I fell off the bed. Of course I didn't pass out, I fell off the STUPID bed_.'

He shook his head, got dressed, straightened his shirt, and walked out the door.

-

Shepard and the guy's sitting around the viewing screen leaned out on the edge of their seats as the little men on the screen were completing the play. "Whoo!" Shepard let out a loud hoot and shot out of his chair hollering to the other guys who were doing their own share of shouting.

McKay paused by the door just long enough to scoff at their choice of entertainment and walked on. Shepard caught him out of the corner of his eye and ran to catch up to him.

"Shepard." McKay acknowledged him brusquely.

"McKay." Shepard smothered back a smile. "Really been hitting the books huh? Never _was _much into poetry myself...or teddy bears, for that matter." Shepard stopped abruptly and turned to a passing lieutenant. "Hey-..." He trailed off leaving McKay with a furrowed brow. _Weird military types_.

McKay walked up to a shiny window and looked at his faint reflection. He scowled and rubbed the red indented flesh which harbored the words, "Poetry in th-" _Oh. ...Wait, then, what'd he mean by teddy bears!?_

"Shepard!" McKay called after the Major but he had already left the corridor. He ran back over to the room where the guy's had been watching the game and found him there, he paused before entering, standing just out of view.

Shepard and the young Leuitenant that had been at the console earlier were talking now. "Can you believe thats what he brought for his personal item? _One_ personal item and he brings a-" The leutinant was unable to finish his sentence.

"_Teddy_ bear! And he calls it..._Pooky_!"

"Man I can't _believe_ he thought you were his stuffed bear!"

Waiting a suitable time McKay popped his head in. "Shepard, can I see you, a moment? I'm sure the information you're sharing is vital news but I'm rather in a hurry." _Gossipmongers!...Eavsdroppers! How'd they find out, how!_

"I suppose I could spare just a moment of my valuable time." Shepard walked outside and stood before McKay. Knowing what McKay might ask he thought fast when he saw Lieutenant Ford walking down the corridor towards them, when he came close enough to speak Shepard cut him off, and sent him a discreet wink. "For the last time Ford, I don't think that picture of your dog with it's stuffed bear is cute. It just, isn't. I know it hurts buddy, but the dog's a _Chihuahua_, it's _hairless_, I _don't _want to see it again! ...Ever!"

Ford caught the Majors wink and answered, "Alright, then, sir. All you had to do was _say _so, you don't have to say mean things about her." Ford masked his confusion with a look of offense and walked away.

Shepard turned back to McKay, "Trust me, it had to be said, sooner or later it would've come out and I thought it should come from a friend." He sighed, "Truth hurts. So, what did you want to ask me?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing...not important." McKay stammered out. _Oh ho Shepard, that was the lamest thing I've ever heard! You WILL pay! They don't call me a genius for nothing..._

"Right. Well if you need me, I'll be busy." Shepard turned his back and his serious expression broke out into a grin. _Teddy Bear!_

-

McKay's Lab:

McKay slipped a "Do not disturb the genius" sign on the knob thing that stuck out of the wall beside his door, with a furtive glance around the corridor he went in. _Oh yes, Shepard will pay._


	3. REVENGE!

AN) Well, I guess this is it, the final chapter, I hope you all like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA.

**Secbeth, T'Karish: **Here is Dr. Beckett, I hope you like it.

* * *

McKay glanced out of the doorway to Shepard's room, seeing no one in the ill-lit corridor, -it was nearing night, and the city's inner tunnels were always dimmed at night to give off the effect, unless an alarm was given- McKay grinned and stepped back inside. "You almost done? How long does it take to leak gas into a room? Its not like its quantum physics...although if it _were_ I could do it and we would be _done_ by now." McKay turned to Beckett impatiently.

"It's allot harder than you'd think Rodney. Anymore than a few-"

"Right right, he'll get _brain _damaged or, something..._whatever_."

"I still dinnae know how you got me doing this for ye. _Why_ am I, again?

"Because _I'm_..." McKay didn't have to come up with an excuse; just then Weir's hushed voice came over the intercom.

"Rodney, Shepard just left the control room, if he finds you, there's no way I'm helping you out of this."

"Gee, thanks." McKay looked once more out into the corridor, looking back to make sure his..._implement of doom, _was in place, him and Beckett stepped out of the room. "You're sure that gas of yours is going to work, right? You'll mess up _everything_ if it doesn't."

"Don't be getting your panties in a bundle, it'll work."

"Fine. You left the switch on, right? Please tell me you didn't forget the switch!"

"The intercom is on."

"Good work. Let's go." McKay and Beckett made it to the control room without Shepard seeing them anywhere remotely near his room. _I'm a genius!_ "Is Shepard in his room?" McKay asked Weir.

"He walked in just a moment ago. Mumbled something about his comic books being out of place."

Beckett turned to McKay, "I told ye not to be touching those."

McKay scowled, "Whatever. I have to get to the lab." McKay strode out of the room.

"Are you actually supporting this doctor?" Asked Beckett.

"I think John should get a taste of his own medicine, that was pretty low what he did to McKay. Although I don't normally commend this sort of behavior, and won't in the future."

"But using this sort of hallucinogenic gas, I think that's a wee bit extreme."

"He's _what! _McKay's doing what! Nobody ever mentioned hallucinogen's to me."

"I wonder why?"

-

McKay's Lab:

Revenge is mine! McKay turned on his monitor and received a fuzzy screen, he tapped the top of it a few times and it came into focus. "Ah, _here_ we are. You think _you_ can get away with pulling one over on doctor McKay do you? Well, we'll see who's grinning in the halls after this _Major_."

-

Shepard straightened out his comics, putting them in the correct order. Yawning he reached for his book, _War and Peace, even the thought of you makes me tired._ He fell back, onto his bed and leaned himself against his pillow. He thumbed through, looking for the last place he had been, _page eighteen_. He had begun to read when he noticed the toggle for the intercom was switched on. He leaned over and switched it off. _Now how did you get turned on?_

-

McKay's Lab:

"Shoot! No matter, we shall soon remedy _that_." McKay said when he saw Sheppard go for the switch.

-

Control Room:

"Great, now we won't even be able to hear him if anything goes to far." Weir said.

"McKay's watching him in his lab, I would'na worry about it."

"I don't trust McKay though." She said as Ford and a few other young men entered to join the fun.

-

Shepard rubbed his red dry eyes. They were fine a moment ago, now they were dry, and he was very uncomfortable. He put his book down and rubbed his eyes again, and then he saw something, something odd out of the corner of his dry eyes. "Uh, hello there?" He said hesitantly.

There was movement again, Shepard forced his eyes to focus properly on the paper covering whatever it was that had moved on the floor. There was more movement, and the paper fell aside as an object unvieled itself...

POOKY!

"Ah! What the heck? Wha-?"

-

McKay's Lab:

McKay snickered. _Ah yes! Whats the matter Shepard, don't recognize the bear you impersonated this morning? _McKay turned the bear's head around and looked up at the toggle switch.

-

Shepard clamped his eyelids shut, _Not happening not happening not happening._ The gas began to take its effect on Shepard's senses, when he opened his eyes there was a red hazy border around his vision.

And there was the Teddy Bear...turning its head!

It began to move towards him slowly, by now all Shepard could see was the bear, he didn't notice as the thing climbed up and reached for the toggle switch.

"I'm dreaming!" He yelled, trying to wake himself up. "Woohoo! Wake up John, this isn't real!"

-

Control Room:

"Hear that? McKay must've switched the toggle. I'm going to go stop this." She cast Beckett an annoyed look, "Gases! I can't believe you men..." She trailed off, heading for Shepard's room.

-

The door whooshed open and Weir stepped in. Her eyes went wide at the scene before her.

Shepard was blindly bumping into things in an attempt to remove the bear off his personage, but didn't seem quite able to use his arms. The bear was holding fast to Shepard's head, not letting go. Weir froze for an instant, taking the scene in. She could hear McKay's voice making creepy noises coming from the bear.

"Weeeeeekekekekekkekeeeh!"

"Okay Rodney, that's enough now! And you can _expect,_ to be seeing me soon!"

"What? I didn't _do_ anything?" He answered in a muffeled voice through the bears speaker.

"We'll see." She turned to Shepard and removed the bear from atop his head and smiled despite the situation. "Shepard? Are you okay? ...Shepard!"

* * *

END...For good, this time. Tell me what you thought, was I too hard on Shepard? I think he's traumatized. 


	4. END

AN) I've been wanting to do this for a long time…so, here it is. I hope you all like it…read on!

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA

* * *

A half hour later

Infirmary:

Major Sheppard's conscious mind began oozing to the forefront of his brain; a flash of red obstructed his thoughts for a brief, blinding moment, and then cleared. "_Psst, Carson."_ Sheppard decided it was best not to make loud noises and whispered for the doctor. _"Carson!"_ _Ow…best not to whisper too loud, either._ "_Carson."_ Sheppard strained his ears for the doctors voice, he could hear him talking lightly to a nurse…he assumed it was a nurse, because it didn't sound like Dr. Weir…or Teyla, so what other woman could it be than a nurse? _"Carson."_ Annoyed now, Major Sheppard maneuvered his fingers until he found some sort of medical…tube. He gripped it gently and shook it as hard as the throbbing in the back of his skull allowed him to. He heard an odd _Phiss_, sound followed by several erratic beeps.

Startled, Carson looked up from the clipboard he was examining and gave it the nurse. "Major!" He ran over to John's bed, and frantically searched the readouts.

"_Uh."_ John held up the tube, which was leaking fluid out onto the floor.

Carson took the leaky tube and turned a valve, the leaking stopped. "So, I see your feeling well enough to break my equipment. How're you feeling?"

Was that over-concernedness in his eyes…or guilt? "Fi-_ine. What happened? I was reading a book and then…and then." _A strange look passed John's features as he remembered clearly, -if a bit hazy…red haze- the events of a half hour ago. _Pooky? I was attacked by McKay's Teddy bear?_

"I can explain. You were…and Rodney…well, I did it too. It was completely inappropriate of us and I'm sorry." Carson fidgeted nervously.

"Huh?"

Carson then proceeded to tell Major Sheppard about the…incident, from his and Rodney's side. As in, not from the sight behind the delusional red haze and teddy bear feet that had been clamped over his face.

"Oh." And with that said, he fell asleep.

The sun glided slowly around the globe, measured by the passing of a day.

Major Sheppard took a deep breath, a confused look fluttered across his face. Exhale, that was it! Could a person forget how to breathe? Well, he'd remembered, now, and that's what was important.

Rodney peeked into the room; Major Sheppard's privacy curtain was drawn. Taking advantage of his anonymity he beckoned the Doctor over with a wave.

John peered from behind his curtain, his gooey eyelids narrowed with glee. _Why are my eyelids all gooey? Were they like this earlier? Where are my hands? Oh, that ones over there…holding the curtain. Was this curtain always so bright? Or was it red? …Where's my other hand…if only I can reach it._

As Beckett reached Rodney to tell him John's status a series of ominous beeps came from various monitors.

"What the…? I need assistance!" Beckette hurried over to Johns bed, before Carson could check anything Johns hand released whatever button it was he had been holding down and he made a grab for the Doctors sleeve, missed it, and made a heroic effort to lift his hand again.

"John what's the matter?"

"_Closer."_ He whispered. "_Closer._"

Carson moved in closer as directed. Listening intently.

"_Tell him I'm dead."_

A nurse hurried over to Major Sheppard's side. "Doctor?"

"Nev-"

"Tell him I'm dead!"

Carson frowned, "Just," He stole a glance at McKay, hovering near the hallway looking perturbed. "_Look busy." _He whispered.

"I don't understand."

John licked his lips while Carson started moving his arms around aimlessly. "_How hard is it to look busy…pretend I'm dead."_

The confused nurse backed away from the curtain. "Um,' she began aloud, "I'll get the toe tag…Doctor….um, time of death?"

McKay's eyes widened to the point of blurriness. "What!" He ran the seven feet over to the occupied bed and pulled away the curtain.

John immediately went limp; Doctor Beckett adopted the saddest my-patient-just-died look he could muster.

"Um, right…nine 'o' five." The nurse scampered off to find the toe tags. If indeed there were any to be found…

She ran -literally- into Dr. Weir as she reached the door. "Oh, sorry Dr. Weir. Uh, I have to go find some, uh, toe tags." She made to leave but Dr. Weir grabbed her arm.

"Wait, what's going on? Toe tags?"

"Major Sheppard just died," She leaned closer to Dr. Weir, _"But not really._" She confided.

The nurse ran out of the room, obviously not in the direction where toe tags might be…if they had any.

"Just what is going on here?" She demanded.

"Oh" Carson jumped. "Uh, um."

"I didn't know it would do this! I'm a scientist not a bloody doctor!" McKay shouted.

"Carson, what is going on? And no 'um-ings'."

"I'M ALIVE!" John shouted as he opened his eyes right in front of McKay's lowered face. _Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow….pain…_

"A_aah_!"

"Major Sheppard!"

"What?"


End file.
